Focus Question: How can we use precise language to improve our writing?
Ask students to compose a two-to-three paragraph description of a startling experience to bring to class. Before they write the passage, give them an example from your own experience. (For example: “My piano teacher arranged for me to play––very much against my will––on a local television show. When one of the cameras came in for a close-up, its base hit the piano bench and knocked me down an octave. I was in the middle of my piece, playing from memory, and when that happened, my mind was like a slate that had been wiped clean. I had absolutely no memory of what I had been playing.”) What students write about doesn’t have to be a momentous occasion or a turning point.
Students will begin to assemble a portfolio cultivating writing style, focusing first on the use of precise language in a brief descriptive passage. A descriptive writing assignment as a starting point for studying style offers a natural, relatively easy way for students to begin. What they learn about precise word choice and sentence structure is readily transferable to other types of writing.
Define Style
Tell students: “Our chief focus for this unit is writing style. Just as we recognize some people by their clothing style (the type of clothes they choose and the way in which they put together a certain ‘look’) or recognize musicians by their musical style (the music they choose and the manner in which they arrange it), we can also recognize many writers by the style of their written language. We will be looking at some examples of professional writing style, but you will also be focusing on developing your own personal style of writing. You will keep a portfolio of your work during this unit so that we can trace your progress. We’re going to begin that process right now.”
“First of all, I want you to know how you will be evaluated during this unit. You may be worried because writing is difficult, but everyone can become an effective writer. The majority of your grade will be based on whether you complete the work for your portfolio, participate in your writing groups, and give your attention to areas I ask you to concentrate on particularly. The rest of your grade will be based on a final product, a piece of writing that you will be able to revise and improve.”
How you evaluate the work is up to you, but the portfolio approach is one effective way to do it, encouraging students who may feel that they cannot write well or cannot improve, as well as challenging students who feel that they have already reached the top rung of the writing ladder and have nothing they can do to improve their work.
Say, “Now I’d like you to take out the piece of writing I asked you to bring with you today, a two to three paragraph description of an experience that startled you. Take a moment and read through your own experience.” When students have finished reading, have them put their description aside for the moment. They will return to it after reading a professional writer’s description of an experience that took him by surprise.
Analyze Word Choice and Tone in a Reading
As a class, read aloud the excerpt from Mark Twain’s Life on the Mississippi. Use Lesson 1 Materials (L-C-3-1_Lesson 1 Materials.doc). Remind students that one of the most notable characteristics of effective descriptive and/or narrative writing is that it shows instead of tells. Then have them pick out examples to illustrate that point (“broad expanse of river was turned to blood,” “as many tinted as an opal,” “somber shadow,” etc.).
Undoubtedly some students will remark upon the use of simile and metaphor (and, if no one does, ask them to find examples). Ask students, too, to describe the narrator’s reaction to the scene (wonder, amazement). Mention that this is tone, the author’s feeling about his/her subject and the way s/he wants the reader to respond to it. Then ask students how they know this is the narrator’s feeling (the way in which he describes the sunset’s effect on the river—the changing light enriches the river “with new marvels of coloring”—and the fact that he says that he was “like one bewitched,” that he was caught “in a speechless rapture” by the scene).
If no one has mentioned sensory details, be certain that students realize that many of the details they have pointed out (such as “ruddy flush”) appeal to the senses. Ask them to pick out strong verbs used in the passage (and don’t worry if they pick out participles such as boiling and tumbling––verbs used as adjectives––at this point). They might come up with brightened, broken, glowed, etc. Have them pick out other instances of interesting word choice, like “the dissolving lights drifted steadily” over the scene and “the charms which the moon and the sun and the twilight wrought upon the river’s face.”
Next, ask students to reflect on the key elements that make Twain’s passage an effective description. Put the results on the board as they are mentioned, and you can reorganize them after the suggestions are complete. They should have a recap (perhaps with some interesting additions) of the basic elements you have just discussed: a reaction (beyond surprise) that is the focus (the tone) of the piece, details that indicate that tone: specific word choice, use of sensory details, use of figurative language, use of strong verbs.
Practice Improving a Description
To introduce practice in improving a description, say, “Before we return to your own paper, we are going to look at one other example of writing, but you will see that this is distinctly different from Twain’s.” Put up (on the board or the screen, or hand copies to students) the following paragraph, or one of your own with the same types of problems:
I entered the shadowy woods very carefully. I saw the tops of tall pine trees reaching toward the sky. I smelled the sharp fragrance of pine. I heard the fussing of a distant blue jay. I felt soft pine needles beneath my feet and the damp fog upon my cheek.
Tell students, “The writer of the paragraph was told to describe a scene with sensory details. Has the writer done so?” Let students point out the sensory details to you (shadowy woods, tops of tall pine trees reaching toward the sky, etc.) “Now, in reading that paragraph, what is one problem you notice?” If no one has mentioned it, someone should now point out the overuse of “I.” Divide students into small groups of about four and allow 5–10 minutes to come up with their own revision. Tell them to keep the good sensory details, to eliminate the excessive I’s, and to make it a briefer, more readable description. Have all the groups share their revision with the class and, when finished, have students identify the sentences they thought were most effective. Here is one possibility:
I entered the shadowy woods very carefully. The tops of tall pine trees reached toward the sky, and a blue jay fussed in the distance. Soft pine needles cushioned the ground, the sharp fragrance of the trees scented the air, and the morning fog was damp upon my cheek.
Revise the First Draft of a Description
Say, “Now it’s time to take a look at your own description. Think about what we have just discussed about the presentation of sensory details and about Twain’s description and rewrite your description, making it as strong a draft as possible. When you come tomorrow, bring two copies of your revision.” Ask students to date their original description, as well as the revision they do for the next class session. The revision should be stapled on top of the original.
Respond to Student Descriptions in Groups and Revise
Have students assemble in their groups, taking their two copies of the revision. These groups will be an important part of the process because students often learn techniques from their classmates. Also, although time frequently limits the reading of the papers to members of the group, once students become accustomed to this process, they frequently want to read the papers of students outside their own groups, too.
The initial hurdle is getting students to believe that their writing matters and that they really can develop and improve their writing skills. They also will be learning helpful ways to respond to the writing of others. Explain to students, “The writing groups have two purposes: to cause all the writers to think about effective ways to express themselves and to help each writer make his or her description as strong a piece of writing as possible.” Remind students that they are to refrain from making negative comments, which can keep some students from participating. If they use the process, they won’t have that difficulty because they will be identifying positive points.
Describe the following process to students and put it on the board so that they can refer to it as they work together:
- “Each member of the group––including the author of the paper––will read the same paper at the same time.
- At the end, identify first what you think the tone of the description is (amused, nervous, exuberant, etc.) and write that word at the end of the paper. Follow it with a colon and list details that caused you to believe this is the tone.
- Since two of you will be writing on one revision, use different colors of pen for your comments. Then underline the strong verbs you noticed in the passage.
- Next, underline what you consider to be the most effective sensory detail.”
This process is a technique you can use to focus on any particular aspect of writing in order to provide reader feedback. It is a good habit to establish with your students, so that they use these groups for a very practical purpose, trusting that reading their classmates’ work and receiving their feedback will help all of them to become more accomplished writers. Say,
- “If you have one question, comment, and/or suggestion for improvement for the writer, put it at the very end of the draft. Then sign your name and put today’s date. Once you have all finished your responses to the piece, share them aloud with the writer, noticing if there is much variety of opinion and, if so, why.
- Return the copies to the writer, who will keep them. The writer need not make changes based on the responses, but these responses provide feedback from readers, and so are valuable to consider. Continue the process until all the papers have been read and responded to.”
Be sure to move among the groups as they work so that you can detect any problems, particularly during the first few times that students use a process like this. Observing problems in approaching this task is important. If, for instance, you notice a student taking a negative stance toward someone else’s work, you can turn that around in a positive way by stepping in and saying something like, “I noticed that a few of the groups seem to be having a little trouble getting started. Let’s take a look at Carl’s description. Give me just a moment to look it over.” Identify for the group what you think the tone is, watching while group members record it, and wait until you can see that appropriate supporting details are being identified. This approach is a polite reminder that there is an acceptable protocol for the group work.
The fact that students are signing their names to these responses will show that they know the teacher will be seeing their comments, and is usually enough to keep the comments focused. As you use this process more frequently, students often ask for more active criticism of their work, wanting others to help them pinpoint weaknesses. You will see how your class develops and recognize when to give students different formats for their responses. Sometimes simply using a proofreading focus toward the end of the process is helpful.
Once writers have the responses to their work back, their assignment is to revise their description once more. The responses of the members of their group will be stapled on top of the old draft; the newest revision will always go on top. Again, students need not act on the advice of other group members; however, simply seeing what other students have done helps students to improve their own work.
Before they leave class, hand students a slip of paper and ask them to tell you whether this process was helpful or not. If you don’t ask for names, you’ll probably get a more honest response to this first experience with the process. Also, ask them to put down any suggestions for making the process work more effectively––and some you will be able to implement.
After watching the groups in action, you will know whether they are ready to move on to Lesson 2 or if they need more time to work on precise language. If necessary, spend another session analyzing a professional piece like the one by Twain. Suggestions for writing samples to analyze:
- an excerpt from The Hound of the Baskervilles by A. Conan Doyle. Refer to Lesson 1 Materials (L-C-3-1_Lesson 1 Materials.doc).
- a two-paragraph excerpt from My Family and Other Animals by Gerald Durrell. Penguin, 1984, pp. 38-39.
- a two-paragraph excerpt from The Mosquito Coast by Paul Theroux. Houghton Mifflin, 1982, pp. 103-104. The excerpt begins with “We entered the town at night, under the bright barnacled moon....” and ends with “...days before we could get back to our own house.”)
Extension:
- Have students compile a list of strong verbs, one that they can refer to often. One way to compile a list is to begin with several basic verbs like say, walk, and move. Have students identify several specific words they can use (shout, growl, moan, inquire, amble, skip, stride, whirl, dance, leap). Depending on the group, you can either have students act out the verbs or explain them.
- If you see it is necessary, ask if anyone has questions about any of the words or phrases used in an oral reading. Do this before analyzing the reading. If you think students would hesitate to inquire, identify some of the possible problem words and phrases and ask volunteers to explain their meaning.
